It is a harsh truth (and I don’t wish to hurt or shock anyone with what I am about to say) but the best time to arrange a funeral is when the person for who the funeral will be for is still alive. A much less harsh truth is that you will not die if you talk about your funeral (exactly the same way you don’t get pregnant by talking about sex!). But what talking about your funeral does do, is make sure those that will arrange your funeral will know your wishes. It will also make the whole process just that little be easier for them especially when they will be grieving. It helps make sure your funeral will be exactly what you want it to be.
In this practical guide I will step you through the key points of arranging a funeral – whether it be your own or a loved one. I have also created a checklist that you can download and print off if you want. Largely, this guide is written from the perspective of someone arranging the funeral for a loved one. But the advice is equally applicable if you are looking to arrange your own funeral. The checklist that you can download is especially useful if this is the case.
If you are reading this, and you have lost a loved one, please accept my sincere condolences.
Helpful information for when someone has died
You will undoubtedly be a whirling mass of emotions. Please look on my resources page as there are some links to organisations that you may find helpful – https://dawnwigglesworth.co.uk/resources/
Arranging a funeral can feel like a daunting task especially if you are coping with the loss of a loved one.
But like anything that feels overwhelming, the best thing to do is to break it down into small steps which you can do one at a time.
Also do reach out for help from other family members or friends…. you do not need to be alone.
UK Government help for when someone dies
Perhaps strangely or unexpectedly, the UK government website does have some good information on what to do when someone dies – https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies. It also covers what funding may be available if you can’t afford a funeral or if it is a child that has died.
What is a funeral?
Firstly, the word ‘funeral’ is often used as an all-encompassing term. But it can be split into separate processes. Firstly is the committal of the body and secondly the memorial or celebration of life ceremony. These can happen at the same service, but they can be separated. It is becoming more popular to have a simple or direct cremation (or burial) and a separate celebration of life event after this.
This blog covers arranging a funeral as one service covering both the committal and memorial for the deceased.
Whilst you do need to register the death of your loved one with 5 days of their passing (8 days if in Scotland), you can start looking for Funeral Directors and arranging the funeral before you have done this. Again, I am assuming that the person that has died has not told you which Funeral Director to use.
Picking a Funeral Director when arranging a funeral:
Funeral Directors – search and visit!
You can obviously search Funeral Directors in your area via the internet or Google…. Or ask family and friends if they would recommend anyone. There will often be a local independent Funeral Director plus a branch of one of the bigger companies like Co-operative Funeralcare.
While it might be upsetting, there is no reason that you can’t visit several funeral directors to talk to them and see if you are comfortable with them, their team and the company. After visiting them, you can make your decision. No Funeral Director should pressure you into using them.
This is a time that is often emotion filled so it’s important that you do feel OK with those that you are trusting your loved one with. You will need their help and guidance over the next few weeks.
It might seem horrible to talk about money at a time like this, but funerals can be expensive so you can compare costs of the various companies too.
Whatever Funeral Director you go with, make sure they are members of either of the National Association of Funeral Directors (NAFD – www.nafd.org.uk)
or Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF – www.saif.org.uk)
Surprisingly, the funeral business is largely unregulated, but these two professional bodies do ensure adherence to a code of practice.
Questions a Funeral Director will ask you
So, let’s assume you have chosen your Funeral Director. They will do a lot of the arranging the funeral for you but be prepared that they will need a few details from you…
- Name and address of the deceased
- Where the deceased body is so that they can collect them and place them in their care
- Your relationship to them and confirmation of who is going to be their client. This may seem like a small question, but the Funeral Director’s client will be the one that will be liable for paying for the funeral (until the estate is settled), approving order of service, collection of any personal effects etc.
After these basics, there are other things that you will need to think about when arranging a funeral.
Different types of funerals:
- Do you want a burial or cremation? Cremation is most popular these days but green burials in natural burial grounds are becoming a popular choice.
- Do you want a direct cremation? This normally means no-one is present at the committal service. This is often the cheapest option when arranging a funeral.
- The type of coffin you want – wood, willow, cardboard. Many of these can now be personalised. Or maybe even just a material shroud. The Funeral Director will show you their range and prices. But don’t be afraid to look on-line if nothing feels quite right for your loved one. A good Funeral Director should be able to source exactly what you want. You can also buy direct from some companies.
Choosing the location and date of the funeral:
- If you are not having a direct cremation / burial, do you want a faith-based service (e.g. in a church) followed by a committal (cremation or burial) service or some/no religious /faith element.
- Is there a specific crematorium chapel or chapel you want the service to take place in? Again, you can visit these and all of them will be happy to show you around. The more modern crematoria can feel much more tranquil and fuller of light than those built many years ago.
- Do you have a preference for the date of the service – there may be a date, like a birthday or anniversary, you may want to avoid. Or you may actually want the funeral on a specific date (as long as it’s not too far in the future). You may also want a day and time that will allow most people to attend. But remember the date may be limited by the availability of your chosen faith leader / church / committal location.
Making it personal when arranging a funeral:
Music and hymns
- What music do you want during the service (assuming this is not a direct service). There will be at least 2 pieces of music – one as the coffin enters the chapel / crematorium and one when the coffin leaves.
- Many people also have a reflection piece that plays at a point in the service allowing some personal time to remember the deceased. This can be accompanied by a photo slideshow. This may be an additional cost however in my opinion is well worth it. If you want to search music, including hymns then visit www2.obitus.com
- As well as music, do you want any hymns during the service? Many crematorium chapels have music systems that will play hymn tracks with singing already on them. This means you don’t have to worry that there won’t be many people singing during the service!
Colour at a funeral and what to wear
- Do you want people to come dressed in the traditional black or do you want them to wear just what they are comfortable in?
- Did your loved one have a particular colour that they really liked. If so, then have a colour theme for the service. Tell people attending to wear the colour. Most Funeral Directors will be able to arrange their team to wear ties of your chosen colour. Also the civil celebrant may be able to wear that colour too.
Choosing a Celebrant when arranging a funeral
- Will you want a Civil Celebrant or a faith leader (e.g. a vicar) to deliver the service?
- The Funeral Director might recommend a celebrant. But you don’t need to have that person. Again, you can ask family, friends or good ol’ Google.
- Don’t be afraid to talk to a few celebrants. This way, you can get one that feels exactly right for you and your family.
- A non-humanist civil celebrant can deliver religious elements (like bible readings, the Lord’s Prayer etc.) but they will also create a personal service for you.
- As I am a celebrant you will expect me to recommend using one! But honestly a good celebrant can take a lot of weight of your shoulders when you are arranging a funeral. They can help make the service a true celebration of the life of your loved one. They can provide advice on readings and music choices but also give ideas to make the service personal and special.
Letting people know someone has died
- Do you want an obituary or a memorial page? Some Funeral Directors have their own page on their website or Facebook page that they can (if you want) post the details of the funeral on. But also, services like MuchLoved (www.muchloved.com) can be used. The tradition of having a notice in the local paper has almost gone and now on-line sites are used to post notices of someone’s passing.
In summary, a good Funeral Director will help a lot with arranging a funeral. But you can also personalize your service and use alternative suppliers. Again, a good Funeral Director will support you in exactly what getting exactly what you want …as will a good celebrant!